More Disappointment

Well yesterday didn't go as well as planned. Dressage was ok, we got a 37, but who cares about dressage at this point. Stadium was unbelievable...he was jumping really, really well and my eye was there and it was just a smooth, beautiful round...one of the best ever. I didn't have much time to walk the XC course and the whole day was fairly rushed. I knew the water was going to be tough...there was a rolltop a few strides to a little log jump into the water...but the water complex was dark and in the woods, and we've had trouble with that before. Well he started off a little sticky on XC...at fence three I reached back and gave him a tap and then we were good. The next four fences were a breeze...again, he was jumping amazing and I could just sit and balance. Well then we get to the water...he jumps the rolltop in and slams on the brakes at the little log. There was a slight moment where I thought he was going to go, but I missed it. So I whipped him, which ticked him off and then I couldn't get him in. So we didn't make it around...again :(. I don't know if I would've just let him look and push him if he wouldn't have jumped in...or if I would've just turned him around and trotted him at it...he just gets so mad when I hit him and he shuts his brain down. I could have just taken him into the water to get his feet wet to try and help him, but I didn't think of that...lesson learned I guess. So, I'd say it was better than Rubicon because I think he was hurting, but whatever happened has gotten into our heads....and now he's stopping again. He's just not the same horse as last year all of a sudden...last year I could've pointed him at anything and there was no hesitation. Now he's so unsure of me and the trust and confidence are lacking on both our parts. So, we're going back to Training. Sometimes I feel like I'm making excuses, but he's so talented and we just keep having these ups and downs. Right now I'm just dreading that this is going to permeate into Training Level and then I don't know what we do. I know I need to have confidence and believe in him, but it's hard when I've invested my heart and it keeps getting broken. He's so talented that he could do any level, but it's a matter of his head and heart and mine too. Right now I just feel a bit defeated and hope we can bounce back. I tend to get more motivated when there are problems, but there are days where I certainly want to give up (yesterday and today are some of those days). I just have to work through it. I have to believe that I'm not wasting my time with him and know that I'm a better rider because of all of this and it will help me for my next horse whenever that is. I also need to know that I don't need to rush through the levels and I need to take my time and really build my confidence. I had the confidence up until Rubicon, but I wasn't ready to back down in case it was just a physical problem. We'll be checking the schedule today and determining our next moves. Hopefully schooling in the next few weeks and get some positive experiences. I guess the good news is that I have some more vacation now because all of the shows that I was going to travel to are off the books, so I guess that's some silver lining. Hopefully my next post won't be so depressing....